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pocket taser


Senior Member
This is one of
those stories where you begin to chuckle....then find yourself laughing
out loud.

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A
guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted

Last weekend I saw
something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The
occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something
extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt,
pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with
no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time
to retreat to safety....

'WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and
brought it home.

I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and
pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that
if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same
time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between
the prongs.


Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to
Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so
I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be
all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my
cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading
the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on
a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction
of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I
was going to give this thin g to my wife to protect herself against a
mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I

So, there I sat in
a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately
on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.

The directions said
that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a
two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of
bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant
flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three
seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this
little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in
circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy
triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost
beyond description, but I'll do my best... I'm sitting there alone, Gracie
looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it
master,' reasoning that a one- second burst from such a tiny little ole
thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second
burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed
the button, and ............


I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through
the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet,
over and over and over again.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire,
testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in
the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.

The cat was standing over me
making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face,
undoubtedly thinking to herself, 'Do it again, stupid, do it

Note: If you ever feel
compelled to 'mug'
yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing
as a one-second burst when you zap yourself!

You will not let go of that
thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on
the floor.

A three-second burst would be considered

SON-OF-A-... That hurt like **%!!! A minute or so
later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I
collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the
landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace
How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were
still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and
my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles! I'm
offering a significant reward for their safe return!! Still in

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me
with it!

'If you think Education is difficult, try being
That is one of those tough life lessons that I keep hearing about, isn't it.:lolrolling
THAT was sooo funny!!!thankyou.......Try swallowing real hard,and I'm sure your golden chestnuts will show up again :lolrolling:bigsmiley20: