My Brother

[mat 60]

If you dont mind Id like to ask your opinion on something not bike related so here it is Ill try to make it short.....About 3 years ago my mom died because of a blood clot that went to her heart...I get a call from the hospital from my brother saying what happened and he told me there wasn't time for me to travel the 50 miles to get there to of coarse say good by to my to mom....Last week I called my uncle who I hadn't talked to for a long time..My uncle told me there was plenty of time...I have since looked into it and found for shore I could have been there.....I have not said anything to my brother mike yet....So I ask you guys ...Would you confront your brother if you were me?...Thanks...Mat

 

[dbmg]

I believe Mat that asking for advice is a good place to start. Extension of the olive branch is a great idea, for She was both your Moms. Go with a open mind and heart and see how it goes. The important thing is to have no expectations. I speak from experience for I too have lost my Mom. It seems since she is gone I have also lost my father and one brother who I have not communicated with at all in 2 years. My other brother I talk to once a month and see 1-2 times a year. We get along ok. Life is short so I hope you can get things works out.......:s

 

[SilverFoXD]

Mat,

Consider that your brother could have been acting in good faith, relying on what the professional staff was telling him, that death was eminent. The reality is that your mom hung on longer than expected.

DBMG has you covered. Go in with an open mind and see what they have to say before drawing any conclusions.

In May my mother in law died, but went quicker than anyone expected. Her kids were already here and on their way to her place when the call came, we missed by five minutes and she died alone.

 

[oldhippie]

Mat,

Consider that your brother could have been acting in good faith, relying on what the professional staff was telling him, that death was eminent. The reality is that your mom hung on longer than expected.

DBMG has you covered. Go in with an open mind and see what they have to say before drawing any conclusions.

In May my mother in law died, but went quicker than anyone expected. Her kids were already here and on their way to her place when the call came, we missed by five minutes and she died alone.

DBMG and Silver have good advice. 20/20 hindsight is always clearer.

When my dad was dying I did get in to the hospital to say goodbye. But after being up for over 24 hrs, I'd thought he'd hold on 'til morning and so went to my hotel room to sleep. Got the call less than an hour later that he'd passed.

Just last year a co-worker of mine was in the hospital and for reasons they haven't figured out his organs started to shut down. The hospital in Winnipeg couldn't do anything for him but send him to the hospital closer to home to die. They didn't think he'd last more than a day. He ended up lingering for a week before finally passing.

In hindsight your brother probably wishes he'd told you to come even though he may have been led to believe she'd go fast.

All you can do at this point is talk to your brother and not let this continue to eat at you.

 

[Jeff Klarich]

I believe Mat that asking for advice is a good place to start. Extension of the olive branch is a great idea, for She was both your Moms. Go with a open mind and heart and see how it goes. The important thing is to have no expectations. I speak from experience for I too have lost my Mom. It seems since she is gone I have also lost my father and one brother who I have not communicated with at all in 2 years. My other brother I talk to once a month and see 1-2 times a year. We get along ok. Life is short so I hope you can get things works out.......:s

Well said, good advice.

 

[Jack Klarich]

Mat, I think it is time for closure here for you both, I would pray on it first then follow your heart

 

[hobo55]

If there were no other problems with funeral, personnel effects etc. Then I would believe that this is what he thought at the time. He may actually be feeling bad telling you that there wasn't time and has had to live with you not getting there. You two need to talk. Hope for the best for you.

 

[Lawdog314]

Hard call to make. I personally have had to cut two members loose from my family after years of just taking it. It ain't easy and it is forever. The old saying "you can't un-ring a bell" is very true. Once something is said, no amount of trying to "take it back" will ever make things the same.

I would recommend sitting down and making a list of plus and minuses having the person in your life gives you. That's a good place to start. Then you gotta think if the behavior was intentional, a mistake or maybe like others have suggested, he was given bad advice from the medical folks. Possibly, he was giving you his gut feelings on how long your Mom had left and just didn't get it right.

Maybe just saying, "I'm still hurting over not saying good-by to Mom." might be the opening he needs to unload why he thought there was not time. I hope you find the way to get some closure on this. Life is too short to carry those feelings on your shoulders Bro...

Mark, after re-reading your post, I realize you were only asking about confronting him about it. Please ignore the first part of my post about cutting someone loose. Clearly that's not what you were asking. Sorry about that. joe

 

[Iceman24]

mat 60; Three years passed and this issue still weighs on your mind so (IMHO) it's due time to discuss it with your brother in a "civil" manner. I'd speak openly and ask why he elected to make you think there wasn't enough time for the trip. This way you can both move on w/life...good luck!

 

[mat 60]

First all...Thanks to all of the great advice everyone.....Iceman ...You are right ,I may have talked about this a while back...Sorry...To be honest this eats at me and I guess it has for longer than I thought..I need to do this soon and without anger...when I do I will try to remember all the good advice from here ....Thanks guys.... Mat.