Oil change instructions for men and woman

Discussion in 'Jokes' started by Wayne R, Dec 30, 2009.

  1. Wayne R

    Wayne R Active Member

    Oil change instructions for woman:
    1) Pull up to jiffy lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since last oil change.
    2) Drink a cup of coffee
    3) 15 minutes later,
    write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehichle.

    Oil change $20.00
    coffee $1.00
    TOTAL $21.00

    Oil change instructions for men:

    1) Wait until saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
    2) Stop and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20.00 drive home.
    3) Open a beer and drink it.
    4) Jack car up, spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
    5) Find jack stands under kids pedal car.
    6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
    7) Place drain pan under engine.
    8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
    9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
    10) Unscrew drain plug.
    11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process.
    12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
    13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
    14)Spend 30 minutes looking for oil wrench.
    15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
    16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes, cleverly hide old oil filter among trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
    17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
    18) Dump first fresh quart of oil into engine.
    19) Remember drain plug from step 11.
    20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
    21) Drink beer.
    22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
    23) get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer
    24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eye. Wipe with oily rag used to clean drain plug. slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.
    25) Begin cussing fit.
    26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
    27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
    28) Beer.
    29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
    30) Beer.
    31)Dump in 5 fresh quarts of oil.
    32) Beer.
    33) Lower car from jack stands.
    34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
    35) Beer.
    36)Test drive car.
    37)Get pulled over; arrested for driving under the influence.
    38) Car gets impounded.
    39) Call loving wife , Make bail.
    40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

    Parts: $50.00
    DUI: $2500.00
    Impound fee: $75.00
    Bail: $1500.00
    Beer: $20.00
    Total $4,145.00 But you know the job was done right! :newsmile093:
  2. jaceddie

    jaceddie Junior Member

    Sounds about right. :laugh
  3. PaulWhite

    PaulWhite Active Member

    Sounds like a cousin of mine
  4. RetiredJake

    RetiredJake Junior Member

    I resemble that sequence of events :small3d023:
  5. vistavette

    vistavette Member

    I knew you (EDIT) were spyin' on me!

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    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 12, 2010
  6. sprinklerfitter669

    sprinklerfitter669 Junior Member

    but at least it got done !!