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Jokes Free for all Hijack at will

R_W_B

R_W_B

Senior Member
Well I didn't want to hijack anybody's joke thread (or at least not anymore since I've already added two on Kemo's beer joke thread).

So here is a thread for anyone that wants to share a joke (or funny story) feel free to do so. This thread is for anyone, hijack is not possible.

I will start with sharing this one, (if any of you listen to Earl Pitts native American Red Neck radio show you may have heard this) I will try to type in Earl's red neck accent that makes the joke a bit more hilarious. Earl starts off like this.

Ya know wat makes me sick, ya know wat makes me sa angry I just wanna pick a fight with a rabid dog.

The oter day I heard somebody is learned how to grow brain cells in a dish. Now wat in da world is up wit dat. I mean why would dey want to grow brain cells in a dish ?

If dey could grow brain cells, it would seem to me da thing to do would be to drill holes in the politician's head and pour da brain cells in dem.

And then leave the holes open so we could stick a dip stick in at election time just to check.
 
To add to this thread ill just say Hi Jack :bigsmiley12:

Brian
 
A snappy young dude in a brand new Corvette is sitting at a red light. Well a kid on a ten speed bike just rides up beside him on the passenger side and leans in the window. He says, Mister you sure got a nice Corvette, what kind a seat covers is them, that new Naugahide stuff ?

Well it kinda irritated the young dude a bit, the boy leanun on his Vette like that. So when the light turned green he floored the gas and took off like a rocket. Well He goes about 150yds to the next traffic light and stops. He looks in his rear view mirror thinking he really showed that kid not to lean on his Vette.

But he notices something coming up really fast from behind. It's coming so fast he cannot make out what it is. Before long it flys right past his Vette and keeps going another 150yrds and then it stops on a dime and comes right back at him going just as fast. And then it flys by him again.

Well he watches this object whiz back and forth past him like this a few times and finally it starts slowing down enough that he can tell it's that same kid on that 10 speed bike. And finally the kid comes to a complete stop again right beside the Covette just like before.

The young Vette dude says to the kid, how in the world do you get that 10 speed to go like that ?

The kid is all breathing hard and trying to catch his breath but as soon as he can talk he says, Mister I don't know what you are talking about but I sure am glad you stopped.

The young dude says, why is that ?

The kid says, because while a go when you took off like that, I had my suspenders hung around your outside mirror.
 
Well it's a challenge to keep um interesting and still be HDT approved but I will throw another one into the fire.

This Mafia guy hire's his brother Arty to eliminate his wife because he thinks she is cheating on him. Arty says bro I'll give a good deal, I'll do it for a $1.

So Arty being the pro he is, stakes the wife's travels out and after some decipher he decides the best place for the hit is outside Grocery store. So Arty sneaks in the hedge bushes and waits on the wife to come out.

When she walks past Arty grabs her and pulls her into the bushes and chokes her. But then just as he is done with her the bag boy comes out with the eggs she forgot and sees the whole thing. So Arty has to choke him too.

But then just as Arty is done with the bag boy, the manager comes out wondering what is taking the bag boy so long, and he also sees what is going on. So Arty has to choke him too.

Well by this time the Head Cashier has called the cops because she knows something is wrong in the parking lot. The cops pull up and bust Arty in the act.

The next day the newspaper headline reads Artychokes 3 for a $1 at the Grocery store.
 
ABSOLUTELY A TRUE STORY HEARD ON A WISCONSIN RADIO STATION REPORTING ON THE INCIDENT.

A guy buys a new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500.00 with monthly payments of $560.00. He and a friend go duck hunting in upper Wisconsin ..
It's mid-winter, and of course all of the lakes are frozen.
These two guys go out on the ice with their GUNS, a DOG, and of course the new NAVIGATOR
They decide they want to make a natural looking open water area for the ducks to focus on, something for the decoys to float on.

Now making a hole in the ice large enough to invite a passing duck, is going to take a little more power than the average drill auger can produce. So, out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with a short 40 second-fuse.

Our two Rocket Scientists, afraid they might slip on the ice while trying to run away after lighting the fuse (and becoming toast, along with the Navigator), decide on the following course of action:
they light the 40 second fuse; then, with a mighty thrust,
they throw the stick of dynamite as far away as possible.

Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the NAVIGATOR, the GUNS, and the DOG...?
Let's talk about the dog:
A highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING; especially things thrown by the owner.
You guessed it.....The dog takes off across the ice at a high rate of speed and grabs the stick of dynamite, with the burning 40-second fuse....just as it hits the ice.

The two men swallow, blink, start waving their arms and, with veins in their necks swelling to resemble stalks of rhubarb, scream and holler at the dog to stop.
The dog, now apparently cheered on by his master, keeps coming.
One hunter panics, grabs the shotgun and shoots at the dog.
The shotgun is loaded with #8 bird shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab.

The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, then continues on.
Another shot, and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course terrified, thinks these two geniuses have gone insane!!!!!!

The dog takes off to find cover, UNDER the brand new Navigator.

The men continue to scream as they run. The red hot exhaust pipe on the truck touches the dog's rear end...he yelps, drops the dynamite under the truck and takes off after his master.

Then KA BOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

The truck is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of the lake, leaving the two idiots standing there with 'I can't believe this just happened'
looks on their faces.

The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is NOT COVERED by the policy. And he still had yet to make
the first of those $560.00 a month payments.

The dog is okay....doing fine.

And to think you thought all Rednecks lived in the South.
 
ckphir0 said:
ABSOLUTELY A TRUE STORY ....... .... . ..... .... And to think you thought all Rednecks lived in the South.
Click to expand...

Oh I don't know which I did more laugh or cry. The poor dog he must have taken a few bird shot for doing a good job no less. That was definitely good, thanks for sharing.

On the note of true stories here is also a true one

One night years ago the field crew I was working on was coming home after dark and it was very dark with no street lights. We stop at a small 2 lane roads intersection which was a 4 way stop. To our left is a truck who stopped first, so then that truck starts out and is turning to his left.

Well the guy driving our truck begins to pull out also, as the other guy's truck is getting out into the intersection, since we would just follow in behind him.

But then we notice this car behind the other truck is trying to sneak in behind the truck without stopping. So our driver says hey look at this jerk, so we all looked at him, but then I noticed the look on the guys face (in the car) was one of fear. About that same time I noticed the other truck was pulling him with a rope.

Fortunately our driver was able to avert an accident.
 
Sometimes true stories are the funniest of all. Here is one that was not funny at the time, but has amused my memories many times.

True (hand on the Bible) story.

Once in the Army, after an all day convoy to rear detachment supply, I went to a Field Force service club and started drinking whiskey (it was a huge and secure rear detachment base called Long Binh).

Later that evening as I was leaving I accidently spilled some of my whiskey on this guy that had 4 pretty mean and bad looking friends. As I got out into the outside lot, they surrounded me. Well after a few brief verbal exchanges things started to get physical. I knew if they got me on the ground, Mama was not gonna recognize me when I got home.

The only thing I could figure was to grab the smallest guy (he was about 5'5") and keep him between them and me. I grabbed his shoulder joints and dug my thumbs in and held on. I would shove this little guy between them and me while kicking at anyone that tried to come at my side. I remember being so scared that I must have had a pint of adrenaline going since I could actually feel his shoulder socket cups on my thumbs.

Well this manuvering went on for probably about 35 or 40 seconds (felt like eternity) and I only got hit in the head a couple of times using this method. So then all of a sudden this one guy pulls a 45 pistol out of his pants and points it straight at my face about a foot away. He told me to turn the little guy loose. I remember as I looked down his gun barrel I felt like I would have done just about anything except change my sexual preference, so I turned him loose and then (to my amazement) they all scattered.

I turned around thinking that God himself must have come down to help me, but then I realized that several guys had come onto the porch area, and obviously my attackers must have thought they were in my unit. I quickly walked up to the guys and acted like I knew them. LOL, Got away that time, true story strike me dead otherwise...... still here.
 
Another joke.

A old guy finds a genie lamp on the beach. He rubs it and a Genie comes out and says you have one wish. The old guys says, I thought I supposed to get 3 wishes. Genie says nope things are down sizing.

So the old guy says I've always wanted to see Hawaii but I'm afraid to fly. Could you construct a bridge to Hawaii? The Genie says, man you've got to be realistic, do you have any idea how much rebar and concrete we are talking here? You've got to come up with something else.

So the old guy thinks for a bit, and says well I've always wanted to see peace between the Arabs and Israel. Can you do that ?

The Genie just kinda stares at the sand and says, did you want that bridge in 2 lanes or 4 ?
 
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